Cancelled Birthday Plans

     Yesterday was George's Birthday. In his eyes, it was a good day. In my eyes, it made me question my parenting abilities.

     For his Birthday, George received 6 Matchbox Monster Trucks, bringing his current collection to 26. He also received a fish aquarium, glow in the dark rocks, a glow in the dark cave for the fish, and glow in the dark fake fauna. The aquarium was also supposed to make certain kinds of fish look like they are glowing, too. There was a specially ordered blue velvet Monster Truck cake, because there is just no time for me to throw one together at this point, and we had promised to take him to the movies and  to pick out fish for the aquarium.

     He did NOT receive: The Max Tow Truck, the dog, the four wheeler, or the piece of property to ride it on, as requested.

     When the attempt to put the aquarium together was unsuccessful, and we discovered that the lid will not, under any circumstances stay on, and that the entire tank was extremely flimsy. We decided either the cat would have her own sushi bar, or, we would have to exchange the tank.

     George proceeded to be the worst behaved I have seen him ever. Maybe it was the Birthday Cake for Breakfast tradition. Maybe it was the over excited lack of sleep. Maybe it was my fault for even ALLOWING birthday cake for breakfast. I don't know. I DO know, that George was crazy.

     He opened the front door and hollered out to a man walking by "YOU ARE A STUPID MAN!!!" and slammed the door as hard as he could.

     He tormented his brother.

     He ripped down and destroyed all the Batman decorations we had put up.

     He called 911. I had to do some fast talking when the (extremely unimpressed) Sheriff's Department called me back, inquiring if there was an actual emergency.

     I cancelled everything. The movie. The aquarium exchange, the fish. It was all gone. We would do the fish and the new aquarium another time. (Due to my work schedule and lack of any days off in the foreseeable future, I do not know when this will happen.)

     In essence, George got some Monster Trucks for his birthday.

     I felt like the worst mother EVER. Not only am I never home, but, I had given my kid a defective present, and cancelled all birthday plans.  

     George, however, turned his behavior around, and proceeded to be a sweetheart the rest of the day, and had a very GOOD day, contentedly playing with his Monster Trucks and just being all around the good kid he normally is.

     And, since it was a rare day off, I cleaned the house. And, super mom right here was MAD. I was tired and feeling like a terrible person already, and just overwhelmed with EVERYTHING. I watched Bearded Man snuggle in my chair and take a nap with George, while I caught up weeks of housework, and I resented every minute of it, while I thought about my upcoming non-stop work schedule, which may or may not include a day off in the foreseeable future. It was the most mean spirited small minded I have felt in a long time. I didn't WANT to go grocery shopping. I didn't WANT to clean or catch up on things that I needed to get done. I WANTED to take a nap, read a book, or just sit down guilt free for once. I felt like I had just destroyed my kids' birthday, even if he DID need discipline. Why does parenting have to be so darn hard??

     I just grabbed a few things at local stores and called it good, for groceries. I just was not up to a half an hour drive to anywhere. And while out and about, received a reminder text that Joe had a Scout meeting at 6:00pm. I almost had a meltdown on the spot. In the checkout at the store. "ON A HOLIDAY???!!!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!!!! Why can't we just have a stupid BREAK?????" I mumbled near tears. I just wanted to go home and stay there. (Side note. When I reminded Joe about Scouts, he took a long look at me, and said "Mom. It's a holiday. It's George's birthday. It was to work on knots and compasses. I can do all that. I will stay home tonight. You can read your book.")

     So, this morning, still feeling like a lousy mother, and tired just thinking about the double job schedules of the next two days, and no days off on the horizon, I came to work resigned.
     A psych doctor I work with inquired how George's birthday was. And I told her. I told her I felt just terrible about having to come down on him so hard on his 5th birthday.

     She proceeded to stare at me haughtily, and inform me I AM a terrible mother. That ALL of this was my fault. My fault for working two jobs. Obviously my kids need me, and I am not meeting their needs. Obviously he is acting out because his mother is not there for him enough. Obviously this was all caused by the lack of maternal presence in the home. It was my fault he was acting out, and thus, my fault his birthday plans were cancelled.
     I told her that this was all nice in theory, but, the kids need to eat....
     It didn't matter. My priorities were not where they should be, and my kids clearly need their mother. I am exposing them to bad influences by not being there, and I am creating monsters.

     I stiffly told her I would bring her next patient in, and left the room. I fought tears for the next hour and a half. And I felt like she was right. What kind of mother CANCELS her kid's BIRTHDAY PLANS????? And she was right. I see my kids three evenings a week, currently.

     Then, I got a message from a neighbor. She was asking if Kaila could babysit for her one day this week, and I said that was fine. Then I emailed Kaila and let her know that I had accepted on her behalf, as I knew she would want to.
     The message I got back was "You are a saint!!!! Thank you thank you thank you!!!!!!!!!! You are the best mom EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!"

     Well. At the end of the day, those are the opinions that count, right? George didn't know he had a terrible birthday. He was DELIGHTED with his monster trucks. He played with them all day. He watched a movie, and had his requested Mac N Cheese for dinner, and was completely content.

     Still. I need the second job. It doesn't make it any easier though. I would love to be the stay at  home mom. I would love for my house to be clean all the time, and the laundry done and put away faithfully. I would love to be there after school, for those bad days, when the kids need a hug and a shoulder. I miss the nightly dinners. I miss the swim practices, I miss those little moments. Today's lecture from the psych doc really hit a raw spot.

     I had HOPED that maybe, instead of my kids feeling deprived, I might be teaching them work ethic. I had hoped that maybe they would look back and appreciate that I was willing to work when I had to. To be grateful for jobs, and food on the table, and heat in the home, and a roof over the head.
    That, when times are tough, family bands together and you do what you have to do. It's not permanent. It's just for now. Now, I don't know. I suppose we just do the best we can, and hope for the best in our kids. Overall, I think I have good kids. No one wants PERFECT kids, because, seriously, no one likes perfect people. I love all their quirks, and personalities. Hopefully they grow up to know how much I love them.  
    
     I don't know. How many other Not so Perfect Mama's out there can identify?