Chicken Cooking 101

     For the last few years, our school as issued iPads to the local children for Homework purposes. I am sure some (Probably) childless person who had just recently ventured into the great wide world from a lovely fairy land, thought that this would be a brilliant idea and that children would benefit greatly with an entire world of learning at their fingertips.
     The children in my household have very little actual homework for those electronic pads from hell, and we spend our days yelling at the kids to put the iPads DOWN. We have a fairly good sized house, and are completely out of hiding places for them. I think possibly the clown in the basement will be the next keeper of the iPads.
     Anyhow. The boys recently asked if they could have $7.00 to upgrade Mine Craft. In what I thought was a stroke of genius, I told them I would buy it for them if they cleaned their room to "Mom Specifications". The boys immediately ran up the stairs and proceeded to bring down approximately 4,987 loads of laundry, and then decide that there had to be a better way to come up with $7.00.
     They searched for spare change. And found exactly forty nine cents.
     They thought maybe they could sell some of their precious Pokémon cards.
     And then decided they could not. Also, they didn't know anyone who had access to seven dollars anyhow.
    
     They pondered this over laundry, because, the rule is, if you don't bring it down stairs, and then decide to bring enough clothing to clothe every single seven and almost twelve year old boy in the state of New York down to me at once - you have to wash it yourselves.


     Fast forward a few days to grocery shopping. We had Lexi with us this time, and we were loading groceries into the van, when Lexi said "Oh! Mom! I have to stop and buy an iTunes card for seven dollars for the boys!"
     "WHAT? Why????"
     "Oh, they were behaving really bad the other day, and I told them they had to be quiet and hold hands for ten minutes, and I would buy them a doughnut. They said they would do it for a seven dollar iTunes card, and I thought it was worth the peace, so I agreed."
    
     So, that was vetoed on the spot. And, now the boys are still doing laundry, and we have no clean washcloths, and there is enough poorly folded and all mixed up laundry on the dining room table that is high enough to create it's own atmosphere.


     Also of importance: the kids are home from school today. New York State is supposed to be getting a large snow storm. Which, in this area is also known as "Tuesday in March". But, since our Governor sent a large quantity of our plows and plow drivers to other parts of the state unable to deal with snow, and because he also closed down a lot of highways and declared a state of emergency, school closed.
     So, I told the kids to please get off the iPads and clean things, and then called home to walk Lexi through the preparation of a roasting chicken.
     Not sure who is more traumatized - the chicken or the children.


     "Okay Lexi, turn the oven on to warm up and get out the glass pan and the foil. You want to have enough to cover the chicken."
     "I need to cover the top?"
     "Yes, you know, just sort of have enough that you can wrap it up like a present sort of...."
     "I am confused. What?"
     "Never mind. It's fine. Put the foil in the pan, Lexi."
     "Okay. Now what?"
     "Now you need to get the chicken out of the wrapper. Do it in the sink."
     "This is disgusting. I feel like this is what it looks like during childbirth. I don't think I want to ever be part of that process. UGHHHH. This is so bad!!"
     "Okay Lexi. Is it out?"
     "I can't get it out! Wait. EWWWW! Yes. It's out. Put it in the pan?"
     "No. I am sorry, but you need to put your hand into both ends of the chicken and pull out the innards."
     "WHAT???? YOU WANT ME TO WHAT???? NO."
     "yes."
     "I am NOT putting my hands there! I feel unclean."
     "LEXI. PUT. YOUR HAND UP THAT CHICKEN AND PULL THAT STUFF OUT!"
     "JOE! Can you come here? Put your hand up the chicken's butt and get the stuff out!"
     "ARE YOU KIDDING ME???? NO I AM NOT PUTTING MY HAND UP THE CHICKEN'S BUTT! SICKOS!"
     "GEORGE! COME HERE! PUT YOUR HAND UP THE CHICKEN'S BUTT AND GET THE STUFF OUT OF IT!"
     "HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! NO."
     "Alexandria. Listen to me. Get your hands in there and get it out."
     "Are you SURE it's dead?"
     "Oh my g - YES, Lexi, the chicken is dead, I promise you. It will NOT come back to life."
     "Joe? Does it look dead?"
     "I do not know."
     "JUST PULL THE STUFF OUT OF IT'S BUTT FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!!!!"
     "Fine. I pulled it out!"
     "Good. Very good."
     "I feel bones in there. Want me to pull the bones out, Mom?"
      "..... No, Lexi. Those are part of the chicken dear."
     "Okay."

     Anyhow. We walked through the rest of the chicken preparation while I mumbled "Oh look. I see Vegans. Vegans everywhere." as I thought about any of my children eating dinner tonight.


     Also, while I am at it - while I tried to show Bearded Man the rage fused zipper on the new purse, it broke off entirely. I am not sure if it won, or, if it just died in defeat. Either way, my purse is now completely open to anyone who cares to inspect the contents.