Goodbyes

     So many Goodbyes lately! To Summer, To my kids, going back to school, to my job and my friends at the Buffalo VA, to the husband of a friend, who passed away. Too many goodbyes! It is sort of like that feeling you get, after finishing a really really good book. A book that was so engrossing, that you couldn't put it down. The book you stay up late for, and read through lunch breaks, because it is not possible to NOT read it, because you HAVE to see what happens next.
     And then, suddenly, it's over. It is done. It is finished. And here you are, all bare and lonely, and sort of lost, not sure quite how normal life is supposed to resume, and why can't anyone see that this enormous trauma has taken place, and life has continued on around you, completely regardless of it. And deep down, you know that there will be other books, and everything will be okay, and there are all these other books, lives, possibilities to explore. But, still. It will never be THIS book, and, you can never really re-read it. Because it's not the same.

     That about sums up my life over the last week or so. Everything has changed. Change is good, right? (Says the woman who has rearranged her living room furniture only once in the last almost 11 years. And that was strictly because new furniture was coming, and the old arrangement wouldn't accommodate it.) Change is not always embraced by everyone, okay?

     The changes began, when I had to take my kids back to school. I hate it when my kids are in school. Truly hate it. I LIKE when my kids are around. (Usually.) And I deeply dislike having to keep track of homework, lunch boxes, backpacks, library books, shoes,  socks, schedules, fundraisers, extracurricular activities, and the thought that now, due to the new schedule, my kids are going to have to walk home from school in bad weather. And be stuck in school in the good weather. There really is no pleasing me. They were thrilled to go back. I see more work. (Every single teacher I know is now gritting their teeth, and vowing to never read this atrocious Blog again. It's nothing against the teachers; my kids have been blessed with lots of amazing teachers over the years! I just like having my kids at home. This is all irrational Mama talking.)
     I walked my kids into school last week, and actually choked back tears for the first time ever. Sending them to school has never been traumatic for me.  My youngest and last child, I will be all weepy, but, usually I march them into school, deposit them at their classrooms, kiss them good bye, and go out to breakfast. This year, with so many changes all at once, and a Summer that really never happened, I felt like I had let them down. We were just too busy to have a lot of fun. It was very much a busy, working summer, and days out were a special treat. And my amazing kids took it like champs. And were totally ready to go back to school.  I marched them in as usual, vowing to book a Summer vacation while there is still snow on the ground next spring.

     During this, a good friend of mine lost her husband, still in his 30's, to cancer. Leaving her and her baby daughter with no husband and daddy. It was a loss felt all over town, as they were a much loved couple. And, once again, I watched an entire town rally together, to support one of it's own. This is one of the perks of living in such a rural area, and watching people come together when needed. It's amazing to behold. A tragic goodbye, but a heart warming turn out of support and love. I just don't think you find that in large areas.
     Sometimes, living in a small town is mind bogglingly frustrating, as, rumors and stories run rampant. But, the benefits outweigh the negatives overall.

     A few days ago, I also said goodbye to my job in Buffalo. I arrived at work, and watched the sun rising over the city skyline for the last time, and thought about the beautiful view, one thing among many, that I will miss.
     The amazing people that I worked with, and who taught me so much. The people that I worked with were always happy to step in and help, or let anyone who needed to, tag along and watch and learn. Several of my co-workers have also moved on to different positions, some within the VA system, and some outside of it. But all of them made such a huge difference.
     And, too, I know almost for certain, that the plants in the break room will likely die from neglect now. A person can only adopt so many plants though, so, those poor scraggly things had a good run, and made a heroic attempt to survive, surrounded by all these people dedicated to helping things survive, but, I suspect that run is just about over for the poor break room plants.

     In the middle of all the good byes, I am saying Hello to the new job, however, and trying to learn as much as possible. I know for certain, however, that, the very day that I am left alone and to my own devices, things will probably go horribly wrong, and I will have absolutely no idea what to do. because, that's what usually happens, whenever it can. I have every confidence, however, that I will figure things out quickly, and be able to handle it all one way or another. Or, at least bluff my way through it, until I do know what I am doing.  And, with a new job, comes new people, and one old friend, my car pool buddy from my Buffalo days, who is also now working at the same place! Who happens to live right around the corner from me! So, there is that, too. Silver Linings and all that.

     So. Here's to the thought that life is sort of like a book. Here's to the ending of one chapter, and the beginning of another. With that thought, it's sort of like new beginnings and I feel like I should make a resolution, with all these blank pages ahead of me. And, I did! I resolved that, beginning this morning, I would start getting up ultra early, to start working out for the Mudderella! And, shortly before the alarm went off, I shut it off and went back to sleep.With the thought that, I have never ever been able to exercise early in the morning. There was a few months, shortly after George was born, that I would go walking with a friend. And, I remember not feeling a whole lot better after that. No refreshing brisk morning walk with that afterward rush here! No. I could always happily wander back to bed immediately after. So, this morning I decided it would be better for me to try and work out after work. Which, I imagine will be next to impossible, surrounded by all the kids. I am sure that I will have an even better excuse tomorrow. The possibilities are endless. I am still, however, determined to do this Mudderella, and to do the whole work out thing. We'll have to let you know the progress on that next time. I can do this, right? And, the stress relief of all this exercise will probably help  with all the changes tremendously. So, till next time!