The Bearded Man

     Yesterday I took two of the kids to see 'Despicable Me 2'. (For heaven's sake, before we all jump to conclusions and decide the other two had earned basement time with the clowns, Kaila was with one of her Uncles, and Joe is still at Cub Scout Camp.)

     During the movie, one of the Minions donned a beard. And Lexi comments "MOM! It looks just like Daddy!" I evidently am married to a minion.... hmmm. Now that I think of that, this could have it's perks.
     I digress.

     Driving home the other day, I somehow ended up thinking about The Beard. And it's identity hiding orange bushiness. And the fact that, although I have, through here, speculated all sorts of reasons for it, some fueled by various novels of questionable content, I came to a conclusion.

     He clearly has some form of amnesia. He cannot possibly know who he is, if he cannot see his face. It is my duty as a Christian and all that, to HELP him. He needs help. This orange atrocity is a desperate cry for help. Who knows? Maybe Bearded Man will discover his true identity, and turn out to be wildly weathly, and I can have a new car and just one job! And a massage! And maybe even a pool boy! And someday, A pool!!!!!
    
     An intervention needs to happen.

     Who better to help, than a medical professional? Who is highly trained in safe use of restraints? And shaving people? (Who am I kidding? I shave people, and pray like hell that all these poor men on blood thinners don't get nicked by my incompetence. I hate shaving people.)

     The plan being, to gently apply my bathrobe ties to his wrists, using a (safe) restraint knot, tie him to the bedframe, because that is the safe place to tie people that must be tied for their own safety. Then, to place a knee in the middle of his chest, and try to shave him, so he can see his face, and know his identity once more. It's a kindness, really. It doesn't get any more noble than that.

     I think that, at first he will be a trifle annoyed (or enraged. It all depends on how one looks at it.) but, I think I am willing to endure the possible outcome, until he realizes I did him a favor. And was brave enough to be the brunt of his initial anger on top of my selfless assistance on his quest for identity. In fact, he will probably be SO happy and excited, that he may become emotional, and even buy me diamonds! Which I will probably find in the front seat of my beautiful new SUV.

     What do  you think? Plausible? Do-able? Completely thoughtful of me? Not every person with strange men in their house, would go through this much time and effort to help the poor soul. I am soooo glad the Lord send me this mental message. He certainly works in mysterious ways. And, who am I, to ignore a message from the Lord?

     Will keep you updated on the beard situation. Any advice for shaving writhing people would be greatly appreciated.  For his own good.



*disclaimer: Before we all get bent out of shape about my merciless picking on The Bearded Man, he LIKES these posts.*