"No. You May NOT Smack Your Sister With a Bible."

     Easter has come and gone. It culminated with the first Baseball practice of the season also falling on Holy Thursday. Since I occasionally try to not go to hell, I thought it would be a good thing if I hit up church that evening. Kaila and Lexi came with me, and, as we settled into our pew, I thought how nice it would be to have an entire church experience that did not involve keeping George under control. He can read now, and loves to look at me with a smirk as he sings all the responses in the most sarcastic and loud opera voice he can manage, while mimicking the hand movements of the priest. Or, the new favorite "Mom. It says here not to take this book out of the pew." holds out outside the pew into the aisle "It's outside the pew mom." "Knock it off, George."
     I also did not have to try and keep Bearded Man awake, either. It was kind of a double win. So, it was with resignation that, after hearing one of my teenage daughters whisper to the other fiercely "Where's a Bible??? Cuz I need to smack you with it!" that I made them move to either side of me. I honestly had to separate my teens in church. To clarify: no one was actually smacked with a bible. Or even without a bible.


     Saturday morning brought the long awaited news that April the Giraffe was finally *really* in labor this time, so, we tuned it to watch it. The kids were willing more because it procrastinated "clean the house day" than any other reason. Still. Educational and all that. The boys were not excited about this at all, and were in the midst of yet another argument:
 "JOE! LEAVE GEORGE ALONE!"


"But, he's CHEATING at the game Sorry!!!!!"


 "JOSEPH! He is playing. by. himself. It. does. not. matter."


 "Cheating is cheating mom!"


 "Seriously! STOP! We are trying to watch the miracle of life over here!!!!"


"I do not enjoy Ah Sib Anya, Mom."


"What is Ah Sib Anya?"


"You know. That song at the beginning of The Lion King?"


At which point the girls, began to belt out the opening song of the Lion King, that begins with something that really does sound like "Ahhhhhh Sib Anya!!!!!!!!" (The Circle of Life Song)


The same child stumbled down the stairs this morning as I was headed off to work. "I was lying in bed thinking, Mom. I need to go find the Periodic Table. I need to look at some elements."


"Okay Joe. Have a good day."


"Thanks, Mom."


Easter Sunday began around 3am. "Mom?" called George from my bedroom doorway, "I just had to go downstairs to go potty, and, I don't think the Easter Bunny came this year. There is nothing down there!"


"George. Honey. I am pretty sure he probably did, and just hid everything."


"How do you know *He* is not a *she*, Mom." he demanded suspiciously.


"George. I am not debating the gender of the Easter Bunny with you right now. Go back to bed."


"I don't think I was done going potty. I better go back downstairs and go again now."


Anyhow, eventually all the Easter Baskets were found. Normally the parental units (as we are referred to by Kaila) are notified before imminent Easter/Birthday/Christmas stuff commences, but, this year, the kids found everything on their own. We were honestly kind of happy to be allowed to sleep a little extra.


After church this year, we arrived home to find that the two little boys next door had received new bikes. Of course George went over to inspect them and wondered aloud why there were Walmart stickers on them. Anyhow, the mother of the boys next door, my poor tiny little neighbor, whom we torment mercilessly about her petite height, mourned to me that she had looked into buying a new bike for herself, too, but, the only bikes that fit her height were outfitted with tassels and baskets and Disney characters. Easter Sunday or not, I laughed pretty hard, and assured her we would love nothing more than to see her riding a tasseled Barbie Bike around town.


Easter is probably my very favorite holiday. It is historically spent at our house with my little sister and her kids. This year, we had the added bonus of my nephew who lives out of state, and his wife and daughter visiting! They arrived just as a rain deluge was finishing, and my yard was slightly flooded ("SEE??? FLOODING!!!!!" Pointed out Bearded Man. "Oh, shush.") George and Joe, fully clothed, were splashing, and running in the water/mud of the yard, as well as lying in, rolling around in, and doing belly flops into the water/mud of the yard. "This is sort of typical" I tried to warn them. And we then proceeded to have a seriously fun afternoon. Which was topped off with a visit from the Easter Bunny. George and my nephew's daughter came running into the house waving bags of homemade chocolates, screaming that the Easter Bunny had just come. Running outside, sure enough, there was an Easter Bunny walking over to a house down the street where a little girl lives, Easter Basket full of homemade chocolates in hand/paw. We watched in amazement as the Easter Bunny, seeing us, came back and handed out bags of chocolates to everyone present, and then indicated we should probably take pictures. So, we did.
George pointed out after that, the Easter Bunny had a pink belly and pink shoes on, and was definitely a GIRL, so, I was wrong about it being a boy.


Anyhow. It was a fantastic weekend. George's toe will probably not need to be amputated. Nobody got smacked with a bible - not even Bearded Man when he slept thru the Easter Sunday sermon, the boys got gloriously muddy, I got to see my nephew and his family for the first time in years, and, it was overall a hugely fun day.




Till next time!

Fighting with Bearded Man.

     My sister came for a visit the other day. She walked through the door and commented how relaxed I looked, curled up in my chair with a glass of wine. I was trying to read the Book Club book selection, and it was at a particularly heartbreaking part, so, I had poured some wine to try and get through it. Also, the wine was really really good, and, after half a bottle of it, I didn't have anymore desire to read the book anymore that afternoon.


     Anyhow, I told my sister that this was the first time I had been in my recliner for more than ten minutes in longer than I can remember, because, I am never ever home. And, if I am home, I am supposed to be doing something. And if I sit down, then, the guilt of all the things I should be doing piles up and I can't enjoy it anyway. I went on with "And, I could not go tanning today."


     "Why couldn't you go tanning, Ri?" asked my sister in resignation.


     "Because, I couldn't leave Jasin alone for half an hour."


     "Why couldn't you leave Jasin alone for half an hour, Ri?"


     "Here we go." grumbled Jasin.


     "Because," I said, gulping more wine, "He was in a bad mood. And, I was in a bad mood. And neither one of us wanted to be doing the grocery shopping anyway. And, when we arrived at Wal Mart, there was this older lady walking right down the middle of the parking lane, and I couldn't get around her. Jasin got SO. MAD! He wanted to honk the horn at her, and wanted to lean out the window and yell at her, but, I was driving and I wouldn't let him. I mean - really? What is the hurry????"

     "I gotta say, I am with Jasin on this one. I HATE when people do that. I can't even deal with it." my sister said.


     "SEE???? IT'S NOT JUST ME!!!!" Yelled Jasin.


     "WHAT IF her husband was in the hospital, and she was all sad and preoccupied??? Did you ever think of THAT?" I yelled back


     "THEN SHE SHOULD BE AT THE HOSPITAL WITH HIM!!!!!" Bearded Man shot back


     "FINE! WHAT IF SHE JUST HAD TO PUT HER SICK CAT TO SLEEP, BECAUSE HE WAS SICK AND SHE WAS SAD?????? "

     "If she is THAT sad, then she shouldn't even be DRIVING!!!!!"


     "What if her poor husband had just DIED and she was buying FUNERAL CLOTHES????"


      "WHO RUNS OUT AND BUYS FUNERAL CLOTHES RIGHT AFTER SOMEONE DIES?????"


     "EVERY WOMAN EVERYWHERE, THAT'S WHO!!!!!!!!! WHAT IF HER GRANDSON IN CALIFORNIA IS SICK, AND SHE'S UPSET SHE CAN'T AFFORD TO GO THERE????"

     "BORROW THE DAMN MONEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"


     "GUYS!" Interrupted my sister as we were shouting at each other, "You realize you are fighting over fictional stories that did not happen, right?"


      "Oh, we didn't even GET to the FLOODING." I snapped crossly.


     "IT COULD HAPPEN!!!!" Yelled Bearded Man


     "They literally came home like this" interrupted Lexi
    
     "Really?" sympathized my sister "Ri. Explain the flooding...?"


     "Well, all we did was argue the most of the time we were in the vehicle. If I said one thing, he said another, just to argue, and we were both just so mad at each other. At Wal Mart, I think we are on some kind of security flag, because we keep getting followed around by security when we are there - and we've never even DONE anything! And sure enough, while I was looking for something over in the seasonal department, I heard a thing on the loud speaker about a security issue "401" or something in Sporting Goods, and sure enough, Jasin ended up with yet ANOTHER security person yelling at him for standing there looking at something for too long. And, of course, we always get followed around the store. It's awful. So, that didn't help out tempers AT. ALL. God, I hate Walmart!"


     "Flooding?"


     "Oh. Yes. So, after the whole security thing - AGAIN - we were driving home and in a WORSE mood, and just spitting at each other over EVERYTHING, and, suddenly he says "I want to live up there - way up high on a hill, so I don't have to deal with flooding." and I said "Our house has been in the same place since 1875 with zero flooding issues. I don't think we really need to worry about it. And then he was all mad and said MAYBE the creek on ELM STREET could flood, and cause damage. And I was all "Really Jasin???? It is like half a mile away, and has never gotten anywhere near our house!" and he said "WELL IT COULD!!!!!" and I was all "For heaven's sake, Jasin, we aren't going to get flooded!" and he was all "Well, maybe the creek on RIVERSIDE could flood!!!!!!" and I said again that it was probably not going to happen. And then HE was all "IT'S SAFER ON A DAMN HILL!!!!" So I was like "YOU COULD GET HIT BY LIGHTENING ON A HILL!!!!!" And he said "THE TREES WILL GET HIT BEFORE I WILL!!!!!" and I said "THE TREES COULD FALL ON THE HOUSE!!!!" and he said "I WILL. CUT. THE. DAMN. TREES. AWAY. FROM. THE. DAMN. HOUSE!!!!!" and I said "GOOD! THEN YOU will get HIT BY THE LIGHTNING!!!!" and then HE said "How am I going to get hit by lightning?????" and I said "THE GOOD LORD WILL PROVIDE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"


     My sister was laughing so hard she was crying at this point. "So, ,you two fought all day about NON EXISTANT things???? Like, really? Non existent flooding and you told him the Lord would provide a lightning strike to Jasin???"


       "We were SO mad at each other, that when we got home, car doors slammed, the front door slammed, groceries were brought in and slammed on the counter and we were both not even speaking to each other." I said. "The kids asked if everything was okay, and Jasin yelled "GO CLEAN SOMETHING!!!!!" and they didn't ask anymore.


     The more I explained this, the more absurd it became, as my sister once again pointed out we were barely speaking over stuff that had not happened. I started to laugh so hard I was crying, as I told her that we went over a bridge on the way home where the water levels were above normal, and snidely said "Oh look, Jasin! FLOODING! Better get home and prepare." At which point the language took a turn for the PG-13 crowd.
     Jasin and I were both laughing so hard we couldn't talk by the end of this story. My sister was incredulous that this had even happened.


     "Ummmmm, Mom? Dad?" ventured Lexi, "Why don't you build the house in the MIDDLE of the hill? Away from lightning and flooding both?"  Which is a perfectly reasonable solution for our non existent house, I suppose.


     Anyhow. I am trying to decide if I should contact Walmart and ask what the heck is up with the constant security detail, or, just continue to not go there if it can be avoided. Honestly, it's become pretty awful. All I can think is that we must look shifty? I have not stolen anything since I was six years old, and I took 2 whistle pop suckers from Bell's Grocery store, and my mom found them hidden under my pillow. I was spanked within an inch of my life, and then marched into Bells, where I was forced to apologize and admit to my terrible theft to the management, which, to date, is still one of the most humiliating memories I can recall.
     I am always nice to the Walmart employees, and, I even am nice through gritted teeth as the new security detail at all the exits goes through receipts and the content of all the carts, which causes a huge backup, and it's always brawny looking mean men who now have ear pieces attached to curly wires hidden under their shirts just like Secret Service men and the FBI. At that point, EVERYONE is treated like a dirty thief and glared at suspiciously, so, I guess for a few moments, it's not just us. Still. It's aggravating as all get out. If I am going to get followed around by security every other time I am at Walmart, the LEAST They can do is offer to pick up my 50# bags of dog food. Mostly though, they just glare at us suspiciously. They don't even try to hide the fact that they are following us anymore. We just accept that it's going to happen, and try to ignore them all. If I had ANY brains, I would go around buying embarrassing and suspicious things like condoms and bullets and duct tape and rope and garbage cans. But, why anger the Security beast? I just don't have time for that nonsense.


     Ah well. Till next time!

Minivan Soccer Mom

     Update on the hair: It still looks fabulous. My sister keeps threatening to move to Tennessee. (Something about unicorns and glitter and raindrops made of vodka or some such thing.) If my sister moves to Tennessee, then, I will probably have to re-locate with her. I have waited almost forty years for good hair. Even if I don't like vodka.


     Update on my sister's hamster. It continues to escape every single thing they try to cage it in, and, continues to want to live in the wall. Where it then proceeds to spend all day and all night every day and every night, digging in the wall. Which is enough to drive even the sanest of people crazy. Well, except for the one time when it was not in her wall, but, her son woke up with the hamster on his face. I am not even kidding, it has the biggest, creepiest teeth I have ever seen. (I don't think the hamster will make the possible move to Tennessee with my sister.) She recently put the hamster cage outside, because the weather was nice (And probably because she was hoping that it would escape OUTSIDE) and it did, in fact escape. But, her cat, "Meow" went looking for her friend, the hamster, and, after three days,  brought it back home. When my sister let the cat in last night, the hamster came in with her, and, he ran right back into the wall. My sister called me half laughing half crying. I actually put her on speaker phone, so we could all enjoy the story straight from the source.


    
     Yesterday I vaguely noted a Facebook post about soccer sign ups scheduled for last evening. I saw it, but then forgot about it, because my kids haven't really shown much interest in soccer, and, it is scheduled to take place on the heels of baseball season, and, we have Boy Scout and Cub Scout related stuff too, and, also, it would probably really take a chunk out of my husky walking evening strolls around town. So, forgetting promptly about it, I came home from work, donned sweats, snuggled into my chair to the rhythm of pouring rain, and happily thought of an evening tucked in with a book.
     George heard something about it at school, however, and will big blue eyes begging, my ball of constant energy asked if he could play soccer this year. So, the sneakers were dragged back on, and, my and my checkbook wandered over to soccer sign ups in the rain. I pulled up to the coach's house, and noted with interest that there were no less than five minivans parked at this house, as moms signed their kids up for soccer. As a minivan owner, I guess it's pretty much an accepted unwritten rule, that you are obligated to be a soccer mom if you drive one. I text a friend of mine to see if her kids were signing up too, and, she said they weren't. Well, she doesn't drive a minivan, so, technically she isn't part of the soccer mom club...


    


     Since these things can never be written consecutively, I need to confess that an entire weekend has passed since I was able to continue this.


     That being said: This past weekend was as crazy as usual. After being out all day with a friend, as we hit up several things in Buffalo, (Can we say craft show and butter lambs and wine???? It was such a good day!) I came home, fed everyone, and, once again tried to curl up in my chair with a book. I announced that I had zero intention of leaving my chair or my house until at least tomorrow. The boys went outside to play, and I was enjoying the relative peace. It didn't last long, because, I jumped about four feet into the air at the sound of an explosion, as a baseball came sailing through the window.
     I whipped outside, and started to yell at the boys, as the wind blew through the hole in the living room where the window had been. The boys though, agreed completely that this was not good. They both proceeded to take complete blame for the broken window. (Apparently George threw a baseball, which Joe then hit with a bat, and here we are.) George insisted that it was his fault, because it was his idea to practice, and, Joe insisted it was his fault because he had been the one to hit the ball. Both insisted that they were responsible, and both insisted on taking complete blame as well as any beatings. I laughed outright. I do not beat my kids. I threaten to beat them regularly, but, I am just not able to hit them. They are the most unbeaten kids anywhere, so, I do not know why they both thought it was coming now.
     (Side note here - they heard a story one time about someone who had a wooden spoon that she used to spank her kids with. That person called it "The Happy Spoon". My kids were so fascinated by this story that they confiscated the biggest wooden spoon I had at the time, drew an evil smiley face on it, and called it the Happy Spoon. For years, they would cry if they were in trouble, begging that I not use the Happy Spoon - That had never been my idea, nor have I ever used it. They scared themselves to death with that spoon. It's still in my kitchen....)
     Anyhow, I was, in fact, dragged out of my chair and out of my house  and away from my book, into the cold night, so we could hustle to the Home Depot before closing, to go buy a new window.


     The book I have been trying to read is causing all sorts of stress in my life. Someone local started a Book Club. I thought that was a wonderful idea, as, I have thought about having one for years now. It was so wonderful that someone took the initiative and started it! (The starter of this club, by the way, is no one other than Perfect Mom herself. I recently told her I think of her as "Perfect Mom" and I don't think she believed me. Mostly I am pretty sure she thinks I am an idiot.)
     We will have our first gathering in May, and a book was selected. I need to backtrack for two seconds here, and mention that, I work a fairly high stress job. It is so very very hard some days, to shift from high alert nurse, who is juggling four dozen things at once, as well as a largely mental health patient population, to, Mom who needs to keep the laundry done and get dinner on the table,  and not take my job stresses home. It is a very fine  line sometimes. So, when I DO have a few minutes to sit with a book, I tend to keep it very light on purpose, because I work very hard to not bring horrors home with me. It's called escapism. It's what keeps me sane.
     The first book selected is messing with me in a bad way. It's a Jodi Piccult book written in 2007 about a school shooting - and written to look at it from all perspectives. I am seeing so many parallels to the school in the book and my own kids' school. I also can't stop reading it from a work perspective. I have dreamt about this book. I have talked a lot about this book. I have thought constantly about this book. I have so many thoughts about this book. This book is everything that I try so hard to NOT deal with when I am at home.
     The thing about a book club that I never ever thought about was: we might not all like the book that is selected. Already, I am reading it while thinking "You will bring Texas Sheet Brownies to this function, and you WILL. NOT. SAY. ONE. WORD." because, sometimes, it's best to just shut up. something I have not yet been able to master in nearly forty years of life, but, am hoping to before May. I know. I know that I could decline this book and then just maybe start with the next one. But, at this point, I need the closure of finishing this book. Also, I really want to hear what all the other readers thought of it.
     I suppose, at the end of the day really, that, this was the perfect book. It inspired thinking and talking (and dreaming!) and is probably the best book to start with in a book club. I honestly cannot wait to hear the general discussion about it. One comment so far as bothered me though - someone mentioned on Facebook "Since this is a book about children and parenting..." And I found myself yelling "WHAT??? WHAT ABOUT THE SCHOOL??? THEY WERE JUST AS AT FAULT - IF NOT MORE!!!! THAN THOSE PARENTS WERE!!!!!!!" Ugh. Anyhow. We now have a book club in Franklinville.  And I plan to finish this book and be a calm and collected and grown up person at the Book Club meeting. I told Bearded Man that this book was really messing with me, and I was half afraid to go to the meeting with such an unpopular opinion. He said "Isn't your friend Rhonda going? She is really nice and somebody that everyone likes and who would be all calm and sound smart and stuff. Just sit by her and don't talk to anyone else. She seems to be able to listen to you." Which sounds horrible, but, he knows me well.


     Anyhow. That's pretty much it for now. All that gossip about a book club, while I plan my last two Sunday School Classes - which is why I am going to hell this week.


     Take care!