The Christmas magazines hit my mailbox over the last week or so. Yesterday, I decided to take a break from the housework and page through the latest tome touting recipes full of fattening goodness and impossible to find ingredients that most people will never ever attempt to cook. It was packed full of clothing no one I personally know can afford, nor will look at all flattering should they purchase and wear them, as well as uplifting chatty reads encouraging feeling good about oneself no matter what, followed quickly by glossy pages full of photo shopped young ladies looking impossibly perfect, while telling us how to fix every flaw from hair follicles to toenails.
Packed into the latest magazine, was "Simple Christmas" articles, clearly photographed sometime over the summer, with happy glossy photos of people with fake smiles, wrapping fake gifts, as they undoubtedly think about the work it will take to UN decorate the house again, in time for their simple and perfect fourth of July parties.
Anyhow, There were pages of advice from decorators, for simple holiday tips and decorating ideas. Some of my personal favorites were:
- Hang paper snowflakes in the coat closet
- Hot glue magnets to the back of shiny ornaments to dress up your fridge or a metal door
- Create an instagram tree with phone snapshots instead of ornaments.
- wrap red and white washi tape around plain hangers to get your closet cheery for holiday company.
- Instead of name tags, print out pictures of the recipient, and use those, instead.
Wait. What? Did this magazine really just tell me to wrap hangers with red and white tape? Who does this? Who has the time for this? Who thinks of these things??
Impatiently, I set the magazine aside and resumed my laundry folding. While internally I wavered between laughing at the absurdity of it all, and fuming at the ridiculousness of it. Snapping towels out in irritation, I wondered if any woman picked up that magazine, with any intention of making the picture perfect intricately decorated cookies on the front. How many Mothers have a "Room that they prefer to wrap packages in" as they print off phone pictures of their children, to "tie to the beautifully wrapped gift with twine" How many parents out there get dressed up and wear fresh lipstick, to wrap gifts and decorate their clothing hangers with tape in their favorite gift wrapping rooms? Where does one go to find washi tape???
If my kids had a spare wall in their bedroom, would I march up there with green painters tape, and make them a tree with it, and then sit with them and make handmade decorations for it? Probably not. Well, why not? Why can't you be that nice parent? Don't you even CARE? Ugh.
Also, why hasn't it ever occurred to me to set up a beautiful bountiful table outside and have a semi formal dinner outdoors? In a field someplace? All those laughing smiling perfect people drinking wine and passing around perfectly prepared dinners served on expensive dishes and full of hard to find ingredients make my poor holiday dinning room seem flat in comparison. Also, how is anyone still smiling after hauling it all out to the fields, anyhow? Maybe because they didn't need to clean their house in advance?
Here's the thing. I am probably never going to deviate from my traditional turkey. Prepared the traditional way. I will probably always make the same dishes. We will always get together and make the family recipe for Sugar Cookies, that I sincerely hope will always be decorated by the unprofessional hands of my children, nieces, nephews, and someday, grandkids. I will never, EVER decorate my clothes hangers, for heaven's sake. I will also probably never decorate my appliances with ornaments, nor hang snowflakes in the closets. We have hit an entirely new level of making the everyday housewife feel inadequate, when we never thought nor intended to, decorate our closets for Christmas. I would love to see a magazine geared toward us not so perfect mamas. It would probably include honest to goodness real life households. Affordable realistic clothes, ideas for budgeting - and please spare me the pretentious gift lists found within the pages of these silly glossy magazines of today. It would include humor, real life stories, pictures of actual un photo shopped parents in less than perfect homes. I would love to see real life and realistic usable recipes, tips, tricks, help, and reality.
Ah well. In preparation for decking the halls and all that, I have begun my annual "Nag Bearded Man" campaign. He is in charge of the out door Christmas decorations, which must be in place and ready for the annual "Thanksgiving stand outside and turn the lights on A La National Lampoons", after dinner.
It's the same every year. I beg. He declines. He states he will put them up eventually. He promises to get to it. I remind him it's much nicer to do it in nice weather, than to hang from the porch railing and posts in whipping wind and snow and/or sleet/rain/hail. He tersely tells me he will get to it. It never ends well. He always ends up outside hanging off the porch and sounding exactly like a combination of the Dad in "The Christmas Story" during the part where he fights with the furnace, and, the guy in "The 12 Pains of Christmas" screaming about hanging Christmas Lights, while the wind and snow whip around him.
Today's texts have gone as such:
Me: Bearded Man, I have good news/bad news. The good news is: I have thought about you, hunting season and the weather. The bad news is: This weekend the Christmas stuff needs to go up. Sunday is supposed to have the best weather. See? Thinking of you!
Bearded Man: If I get a deer opening day I can do the lights.
Me: If you don't, then, the lights won't get done. Happy Wife, Happy life, honey!
We'll see how it goes. (Here's a fun article for the Not So Perfect Mama Magazine: "Christmas Lights. Getting Him to Put Them Up The First Time You Beg."
Also, I need to admit here: I have yet to purchase anything for Christmas. There is nothing Christmas related here, except the usual panic, helped along by the cheerful "X DAYS TILL CHRISTMAS!" messages I see plastered from here to kingdom come. The "When will I have time to shop??!!!!" followed by "When will I have time to wrap??!!!!" anxiety has begun. Yayness!
Happy Holidays, to any other inadequate people out there. If any of you had planned to wrap your clothes hangers for Christmas, You need to know, I will probably laugh at you.
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