My sister came for a visit the other day. She walked through the door and commented how relaxed I looked, curled up in my chair with a glass of wine. I was trying to read the Book Club book selection, and it was at a particularly heartbreaking part, so, I had poured some wine to try and get through it. Also, the wine was really really good, and, after half a bottle of it, I didn't have anymore desire to read the book anymore that afternoon.
Anyhow, I told my sister that this was the first time I had been in my recliner for more than ten minutes in longer than I can remember, because, I am never ever home. And, if I am home, I am supposed to be doing something. And if I sit down, then, the guilt of all the things I should be doing piles up and I can't enjoy it anyway. I went on with "And, I could not go tanning today."
"Why couldn't you go tanning, Ri?" asked my sister in resignation.
"Because, I couldn't leave Jasin alone for half an hour."
"Why couldn't you leave Jasin alone for half an hour, Ri?"
"Here we go." grumbled Jasin.
"Because," I said, gulping more wine, "He was in a bad mood. And, I was in a bad mood. And neither one of us wanted to be doing the grocery shopping anyway. And, when we arrived at Wal Mart, there was this older lady walking right down the middle of the parking lane, and I couldn't get around her. Jasin got SO. MAD! He wanted to honk the horn at her, and wanted to lean out the window and yell at her, but, I was driving and I wouldn't let him. I mean - really? What is the hurry????"
"I gotta say, I am with Jasin on this one. I HATE when people do that. I can't even deal with it." my sister said.
"SEE???? IT'S NOT JUST ME!!!!" Yelled Jasin.
"WHAT IF her husband was in the hospital, and she was all sad and preoccupied??? Did you ever think of THAT?" I yelled back
"THEN SHE SHOULD BE AT THE HOSPITAL WITH HIM!!!!!" Bearded Man shot back
"FINE! WHAT IF SHE JUST HAD TO PUT HER SICK CAT TO SLEEP, BECAUSE HE WAS SICK AND SHE WAS SAD?????? "
"If she is THAT sad, then she shouldn't even be DRIVING!!!!!"
"What if her poor husband had just DIED and she was buying FUNERAL CLOTHES????"
"WHO RUNS OUT AND BUYS FUNERAL CLOTHES RIGHT AFTER SOMEONE DIES?????"
"EVERY WOMAN EVERYWHERE, THAT'S WHO!!!!!!!!! WHAT IF HER GRANDSON IN CALIFORNIA IS SICK, AND SHE'S UPSET SHE CAN'T AFFORD TO GO THERE????"
"BORROW THE DAMN MONEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
"GUYS!" Interrupted my sister as we were shouting at each other, "You realize you are fighting over fictional stories that did not happen, right?"
"Oh, we didn't even GET to the FLOODING." I snapped crossly.
"IT COULD HAPPEN!!!!" Yelled Bearded Man
"They literally came home like this" interrupted Lexi
"Really?" sympathized my sister "Ri. Explain the flooding...?"
"Well, all we did was argue the most of the time we were in the vehicle. If I said one thing, he said another, just to argue, and we were both just so mad at each other. At Wal Mart, I think we are on some kind of security flag, because we keep getting followed around by security when we are there - and we've never even DONE anything! And sure enough, while I was looking for something over in the seasonal department, I heard a thing on the loud speaker about a security issue "401" or something in Sporting Goods, and sure enough, Jasin ended up with yet ANOTHER security person yelling at him for standing there looking at something for too long. And, of course, we always get followed around the store. It's awful. So, that didn't help out tempers AT. ALL. God, I hate Walmart!"
"Flooding?"
"Oh. Yes. So, after the whole security thing - AGAIN - we were driving home and in a WORSE mood, and just spitting at each other over EVERYTHING, and, suddenly he says "I want to live up there - way up high on a hill, so I don't have to deal with flooding." and I said "Our house has been in the same place since 1875 with zero flooding issues. I don't think we really need to worry about it. And then he was all mad and said MAYBE the creek on ELM STREET could flood, and cause damage. And I was all "Really Jasin???? It is like half a mile away, and has never gotten anywhere near our house!" and he said "WELL IT COULD!!!!!" and I was all "For heaven's sake, Jasin, we aren't going to get flooded!" and he was all "Well, maybe the creek on RIVERSIDE could flood!!!!!!" and I said again that it was probably not going to happen. And then HE was all "IT'S SAFER ON A DAMN HILL!!!!" So I was like "YOU COULD GET HIT BY LIGHTENING ON A HILL!!!!!" And he said "THE TREES WILL GET HIT BEFORE I WILL!!!!!" and I said "THE TREES COULD FALL ON THE HOUSE!!!!" and he said "I WILL. CUT. THE. DAMN. TREES. AWAY. FROM. THE. DAMN. HOUSE!!!!!" and I said "GOOD! THEN YOU will get HIT BY THE LIGHTNING!!!!" and then HE said "How am I going to get hit by lightning?????" and I said "THE GOOD LORD WILL PROVIDE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
My sister was laughing so hard she was crying at this point. "So, ,you two fought all day about NON EXISTANT things???? Like, really? Non existent flooding and you told him the Lord would provide a lightning strike to Jasin???"
"We were SO mad at each other, that when we got home, car doors slammed, the front door slammed, groceries were brought in and slammed on the counter and we were both not even speaking to each other." I said. "The kids asked if everything was okay, and Jasin yelled "GO CLEAN SOMETHING!!!!!" and they didn't ask anymore.
The more I explained this, the more absurd it became, as my sister once again pointed out we were barely speaking over stuff that had not happened. I started to laugh so hard I was crying, as I told her that we went over a bridge on the way home where the water levels were above normal, and snidely said "Oh look, Jasin! FLOODING! Better get home and prepare." At which point the language took a turn for the PG-13 crowd.
Jasin and I were both laughing so hard we couldn't talk by the end of this story. My sister was incredulous that this had even happened.
"Ummmmm, Mom? Dad?" ventured Lexi, "Why don't you build the house in the MIDDLE of the hill? Away from lightning and flooding both?" Which is a perfectly reasonable solution for our non existent house, I suppose.
Anyhow. I am trying to decide if I should contact Walmart and ask what the heck is up with the constant security detail, or, just continue to not go there if it can be avoided. Honestly, it's become pretty awful. All I can think is that we must look shifty? I have not stolen anything since I was six years old, and I took 2 whistle pop suckers from Bell's Grocery store, and my mom found them hidden under my pillow. I was spanked within an inch of my life, and then marched into Bells, where I was forced to apologize and admit to my terrible theft to the management, which, to date, is still one of the most humiliating memories I can recall.
I am always nice to the Walmart employees, and, I even am nice through gritted teeth as the new security detail at all the exits goes through receipts and the content of all the carts, which causes a huge backup, and it's always brawny looking mean men who now have ear pieces attached to curly wires hidden under their shirts just like Secret Service men and the FBI. At that point, EVERYONE is treated like a dirty thief and glared at suspiciously, so, I guess for a few moments, it's not just us. Still. It's aggravating as all get out. If I am going to get followed around by security every other time I am at Walmart, the LEAST They can do is offer to pick up my 50# bags of dog food. Mostly though, they just glare at us suspiciously. They don't even try to hide the fact that they are following us anymore. We just accept that it's going to happen, and try to ignore them all. If I had ANY brains, I would go around buying embarrassing and suspicious things like condoms and bullets and duct tape and rope and garbage cans. But, why anger the Security beast? I just don't have time for that nonsense.
Ah well. Till next time!
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