Not Sure How George Knows What Hellfire Is

     Tomorrow is Surgery Day for Lexi and George. Everyone is remarkably calm about this. I think I might not be as calm as I thought, because, last night I dreamt that I arrived at the place the surgery would take place, calmly sat in the waiting room, and didn't realize until we were called back, that I had forgotten the kids.
     Mostly, the kids are excited about the large amount of popsicles in the freezer, and the obscene amount of jello and pudding waiting to be made. They really can't wait until after their surgery. I haven't the heart to tell them that there's a good chance that they won't want to eat anything.


     Our schedules are finally winding down though, which is a blessing of untold proportions. It must have really hit us all yesterday finally, because we all spent the day mostly sleeping, or drowsily stumbling from couch to patio chair to porch chair, to doze some more. Honestly, I could have slept non stop all day, and all night too.
     As such, I threw on comfy albeit "not to be worn outside of the house" clothes, and, in the less than 10 minutes I spent outside of the house, I managed to run into half the people I know in town. Which is how those sorts of  outfits work.
     I also ignored the massive amount of overdue housework and my van in desperate need of a good cleaning, because, I truthfully could barely move, I was so tired. It isn't like the mess going to go anywhere. So, when a friend of one of the kids wandered over, I apologized for the state of my house. "Oh. Doesn't it always look like this?" the little darling responded a little tartly. And I told her it was our dinner time, and she should probably go home now.


     George wasn't quite sure what to do with this down time. To come to a screeching stop after 2 months of constant "on the go" was a little bit of an adjustment for him. He pounced on Lexi, who was lying on the couch, reading a book and licking some candy thing she'd bought. "Lexi, can I have some?"
 "No."
"You have hellfire in your heart." she was vehemently told.


     George managed to get out of the house for a few hours. The Cub Scouts hosted a Father's Day Chicken BBQ at the local fire hall that he had to help out with.
I happened to drive past it, as it was winding down, and, there, in the front lawn of the fire hall on Main Street, right near the side walk, was George, channeling his inner Elvis, and dancing. So, he managed to occupy himself in the end.


     As I get through one last work day before the kids' surgeries, I did make a quick call home, to inform the girls that some serious housework needed to be done. It was reported  that they would try to get to it, but, they had decided to do fabulous make up, wear fancy dresses, make tea, and watch a movie. It was the least they could do, since Lexi will be going under the knife tomorrow. It was also confirmed that Lexi is, indeed, allowed to eat. Kaila was ready to fast right along with her sister, if Lexi was forbidden from eating until after her surgery tomorrow. The girls were assured that everyone was allowed to eat until midnight tonight, to their great relief.


     The resident new driver continues to drive whenever possible. Except for the chipmunk on her first day, there have been no more casualties so far. I had her drive me to a coffee shop about 20 miles from home last night, as, I needed gift cards. I made the mistake of allowing Kaila to order a drink, and then reconsidered when I remembered she was driving. So, we tooled around the corner to my sister's house, so she didn't have to drink and drive. A phone call with Lexi had me explaining this, but, it turned in to "Kaila and Mom are at Aunt Bri's because Kaila was drinking and driving." My children seemed to accept this, and, when we arrived home, resignedly asked Kaila what she had been drinking, that she was in bad enough shape to not be able to drive. I was also lectured soundly for my irresponsibility. No one seemed to be surprised at the assumption that I had taken their 16 year old sister out for a few drinks. I swear I rarely drink, and Kaila never has, so, I am not sure why my kids were so quick to condemn here, but, I can assure all; she literally drank an Oreo iced cappuccino. For the record and all.


     Wedding season is upon us! Two of my brothers are getting married soon! I had George with me when I recently went Bridal Shower Shopping for one of the upcoming weddings. George located blue tooth speakers, and began dancing in the aisles of Bed Bath and Beyond. He begged me to buy that for my brother and his wife to be, but, I told him it wasn't on their list. "Grown ups are dumb." was the response.
    Ah well.


     Wish us luck tomorrow, and in the coming week for fast healing for my poor kids!


    




 
    

George Goes to the Doctor

     In the general chaos of life around here lately, we've been also gearing up for two surgeries stuck right in the middle of things. (While insane schedules continue to spiral out of control around us in the process.)
     Lexi and George will both be heading into the local outpatient surgery center next week to have various things removed. Tonsils for George, as, he continues to wake up with breathing issues and laryngospasms, and, tonsils and adenoids for Lexi, as we prepare for approximately two million dollars worth of orthodontia treatment. The other day, I left work early, picked George up from school, Lexi up from home, and headed right back in to Olean for their pre-op appointment. As soon as we walked in,  George zeroed in on a very very tiny dwarf woman (Is that PC? I said "Oriental" the other day and was met with gasps of "You can't SAY that!!!!!" And, I honestly was all "I can't?" "NO! Because that's offensive, because rugs are oriental, too!" "What?") anyhow, there was a very tiny woman in the waiting room. George didn't comment on this, but, did ask to play on my phone. (I recently read an article condemning parents who let their kids play on their phones in waiting rooms. Shut up. These are usually re-posted by people who have no children.) Anyhow, George was playing with my phone while we waited. Eventually, he lost interest in my phone, and began to look around. He still did not mention the tiny woman sitting in the waiting room, to my never ending relief. He watched a doctor through a window, and announced loudly that "The doctor is in there just playing on his phone. That is unprofessional!" to the waiting room in general. It was a long wait. Eventually, a very small man came out of an exam room, and George perked up. Mentally, I begged him to not comment. Please do not comment, I prayed silently, watching him out of the corner of my eye. The tiny man checked out, and then assisted the tiny woman and her not so tiny purse out of her chair, and they walked out. "Mom!" whispered George "Those were some very little people!" I watched the rest of the waiting people strain to hear what he was saying, after they had been observing him for the last half hour, they were all probably pretty sure it wouldn't be dull. "That's because God only lets people grow till they're perfect!" I whispered back with sudden inspiration. "So, do you think I will stop growing pretty soon, then?" asked George.


     Eventually we were brought back to the exam room. Where George continued to be George. The pre-op person came in just as I burst out "WHAT??!!!" as George had just finished telling me he has been going to the boys room at school and using water to give himself a Mohawk. He also requested a tattoo - again.
     The specialist looked at George and said "Oh, honey, you better be very sure of what sort of tattoo you get, and you should really think it over before you decide. I had a tattoo when I was married to one of my husbands. We belonged to a motorcycle gang, and, my husband died. After he died, the gang told me either I have the tattoo removed, or, they would cut it off my body. So, I was forced to have it removed. You know what it feels like, when you fall and scrape your knee? Well, that's how they remove tattoos - one layer of skin at a time. Scraping the skin layer by layer. It was so painful! But, I had to have it done, or they would have come after me and removed it in a way worse way! So, really think about it before you commit to one!" she said to my 7 year old "Okay, now, I need to look in your mouth, open wide!" Which was a useless request, because, at that point, all of our mouths were open very wide.
     Anyhow, when all was said and done, both of the kids were cleared for surgery next week, and we hustled home to get Joe ready for his baseball game.
     It wasn't until after the kids finally went to bed for the night, that I happened to notice that George had done more than play motorcycle games on my phone. There were lots of silly faced selfies, a picture of the tiny woman sitting in the waiting room (The embarrassment at this is unbelievable) and, a video of himself using the bathroom (taken from the chest-up) while he talked to the phone in running commentary.
 
     Before the kids went to bed that  night, Lexi handed me one of the last assignments she had done before school ended for the year. It was an "article" written by herself, but about herself, so, in the third person. It described Lexi's home life, friends, hobbies... It concluded with: "...she also wants to become a wife, in a mansion, with a butler, and a limo.... she wants to live in New York City and celebrate life.... she has very reasonable hopes and dreams." she told me that her teacher laughed outright when she read it, and gave her a "100" on the spot.
     Joe read it this morning impassively and remarked "She does realize that she could possibly have all that when she's about 70, after working her butt off her whole life, right?"
     I don't know about that. As flamboyant as Lexi is, she is also pretty smart, and, I think capable of whatever she wants to do. This week, she was inducted into the National Junior Honor Society. Lexi being Lexi of course, wore a floor length long sleeved white gown with blue flowers on it, her hair in an up-do complete with sparkling headband tiara, and sparkly silver high heels. She pulled it off beautifully. Surrounded by other girls wearing pretty summer dresses, Lexi stood there in 93 degree weather wearing that long sleeved floor length gown as if she was a Disney Princess. No one expects any differently from her.
 
     Kaila has a car! Kaila was pretty excited about her car, too. Until she realized that it has to sit in the driveway until she can afford to license, register, and insure it. It may also need a new battery, an oil change and a brake line replaced. (All of which the Bearded Man can do.)
     With a car, comes great financial responsibility. So, in the interest of teaching our kid such responsibility, and, to foster appreciation for something she has to pay for herself, we have advised her to go get a job. The job hunt began yesterday. She went to one place, was told they only hire people who are older than 18, and came home again. Today, she has assured us she intends to really hit the pavement and put in applications locally. I have been informed that she is too young to be "adulting", and that she isn't finished "teening" yet. It was pointed out that, if she wanted to be adult enough to own a car, then, she needed to get her teen tush out the door and locate employment. Until then, we will continue to hope that the local code enforcer does not ticket us for an unregistered vehicle in the driveway. Which I suspect is bound to happen pretty much at any moment now.


     I feel like there is so much more happening - and there probably is - but, honestly, I can't keep track of things anymore. We are hoping that with baseball and school winding down within the next week, things will settle down a little, and life will get back to it's usual more manageable pace.


    


    


    


    

We Have a Teen Driver in the House!

    The whirlwind craziness of our schedules has reached fever pitch at our house. I will be so happy when school is out and baseball wraps up. We are all ready for a break. As soon as I have a moment, and I can wrangle my kids all to one spot, there needs to be a "Come To Jesus" chat with my kids regarding chores. This morning, as I ran out the door, I hollered for the girls to come down stairs. "Mom! I am in the middle of contouring my face!" wailed Kaila dramatically.
     "Seriously. George's baseball uniform is in the washer. He has a game tonight. Make sure the laundry is in the dryer before  you all leave for school! PLEASE!!!!! And, seriously - pick up this damn house!!!"
     "Fine. Flip laundry." and, back up the stairs they sailed.


     In a two second flash, I looked around the house, and just couldn't deal with the mess. I haven't been home in days, nor am I forecasted to be home for any appreciable amount of time in the near future.


     "Mom. You cannot curse at the house, by calling it a 'damn house' " Joe piped up. "It is a nice home and a shelter for your family."


     "UGH!" I said, and left for work. Only to be called two minutes later to come back home, because Joe's shoes were in my van.


     Comments from my children regarding the current chaos range as such:



- Someday, your house will be clean and everything will be perfect, but we will all be moved out and you will be sad.


- A messy house is just a lived in home!


- Dad doesn't clean anything or do housework, and I am a man too, so, I am not, either.


- I DID sweep the floor! Why are you accusing me of not?


- I shouldn't have to do the dishes because

• Am exhausted
• It's my birthday
• I wasn't home last night
• I don't feel good
• I have to be somewhere in an hour
• My head is pounding
• I think I might throw up
• I always have to do everything!!!
• I forgot I have homework
• I am so tired. Please don't make me
• This is slave labor
• I really think I am probably dying.
• I didn't eat that dinner, so I shouldn't have to wash the dishes from it

-I am not cleaning my room because it's all his/her mess


- I always have to be the one to pick up! Someone else should do it


- You are always telling us to get outside and play in the fresh air, so, I will just be outside


- I know it's clean the house day, but, Dad is taking us fishing


- out and out sobbing.


I don't even know anymore. And, of course, in this Social Media driven world - there are oh! So many perfect Mamas out there, who manage to feed their children only the healthiest foods, work out, keep their houses clean, look perfect every day, and post amazing pics of their successful lives as the perfect wives/mothers/housekeepers/working women while fitting in fun activities with their kids in their spare time. I have no idea what the secret to this perfection is. I can only imagine there's probably sorcery involved. It's really the only answer I can come up with. Either way, I cannot come even a little bit close to those expectations.


     Anyhow. My house is a mess, and I don't have the time to clean it in the near future. Tomorrow, on my normal "clean the house day" Kaila has her required 5 hour driving course. After a whirlwind week of celebrating Kaila's Sweet 16, she was able to take and pass her Learner's Permit Driving Test, and is now begging to drive every time we go someplace. And every time I think I have two seconds to sit down. And, pretty much every time I get out of my vehicle after work. Her first day on the roads was pretty scary, but, I thought I remained overall calm as we hurtled around the back roads near our house for an  hour. I would calmly say "Kaila. Honey. Stay on the road. Kaila. You are getting too close to the edge. Kaila. Ease it back over. Honey, you really need to just get back on the road. If you go off the road and you're going too fast, you are going to get into an accident. Kaila. Get. On. The. Road. KAILA! I mean, Kaila. Honey. You're doing great. Just, you know. Get on the road. Keep it on the road. Ease it over."


     "I need music to concentrate!"


     "Really, you should keep your hands on the wheel and concentrate."


     "This isn't dance music. I can't dance to this."


     "You shouldn't be dancing while driving anyway. Please get back on the road"


     "AWWW! Look at that cute dog over there!!!!"
 
     "DON'T look at ANY dogs unless they are going to run in front of  you, and please make sure you are not driving off the road. Like, right now. Because, you aren't on the road."


     "OOOOHHHHH NOOOOOO!!!!! I RAN OVER A CHIPMONK! It's my first day driving and I have already started slaughtering poor innocent animals!"


     "Kaila. I am so sorry. But, please, pull back over to your left, and stay off the side of the road."


     "Another dog! He's so cute!"


     "Please look at the road and not dogs."


     "You're lookin a little tense over there, Doll Face. Are you tense?"


     "Of course not!" (Clutching the arm rest and the door handle desperately while leaning to the left as if I could make the van stay on the road that way) "You are doing a terrific job! Really!"


     I staggered out of my van with rubbery shaking legs and the insane urge to vomit, but, we made it back home in one piece. I left shortly after that to catch part of George's baseball game. As I stepped out of my van at the baseball field, a coach from another team happened to walk by. "You okay?" he asked in concern, "My daughter got her Learner's Permit today. We just got back from her first time out with me. I am feeling sort of nauseous."
     "Hahaha! Well. At least your hair is still red, and not all gray from it."
     "It probably is under whatever color my sister uses."
     "Good Luck!"


Anyhow, days two, three and four were much more successful, and, Kaila seems to really have a knack for it, so, I anticipate she will do just fine. She has a car already, and all the money for the car saved up - she just needs to hand it over, and the car is hers. But, she needs to pay for the registration and insurance, so, she has been advised to hit pavement and get a job. Applications to area businesses will be filled out in the fairly near future, I think. I am not sure how I ended up with a 16 year old who is driving, owns a car and will be getting a job all of a sudden. Wasn't she just a toddler yesterday, and pedaling her tricycle?? It's crazy how fast time flies.
  
     My kids are right, you know. Some day, my house will be clean, because everyone will be moved out, and I will be so  sad.


  Ah well. For all of you mamas out there that aren't perfect either, I hope you know you are in good company here!